“ The Big Little Book of Jewish Wit & Wisdom” – Edited by Sally Ann Berk

 

I take a shower everyday to wash off yesterday.  – Ron Gibson

 

You can always wash your hands.  - Sally Sternberg

 

An eighty year old man walks into a confessional and says, “Forgive me father, for I have sinned”. I just spent the night having sex with two eighteen year girls.”

The priest asks, “Howe long since your last confession?”.

The old man laughs, “ I have never been to confession. I am Jewish”.

The priest asks, “Then why are you telling me this”?

The old man replies, “Telling you? Hell, I am telling everybody”.

 

You have to learn to do everything, even to die.  – Gertrude Stern

 

Every man knows he must die, but no one believes it.

 

Behind every argument is someone’s ignorance.  – Louis Brandeis

 

The simple believe everything. – Proverbs

 

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.  – Carl Sagan

 

The wise man hears one word and understands two.

 

Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. – Daniel Boorstin

 

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.  – Sam Levinson

 

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.  – Jerry Seinfeld.

 

The luck of the Fool is that he doesn’t know that he doesn’t know.

 

Religion is comparable to a childhood neurosis.  - Sigmund Freud

 

Not only is there no God, but try to get a plumber on the weekends. – Woody Allen

 

Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind. – Albert Einstein

 

I cannot conceive of a God who rewards and punishes his creatures, or has a will of the kind that we experience in ourselves. – Albert Einstein

 

Creationists make it sound as though a “theory” is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night. – Isaac Asimov

 

Man plans, and God laughs.

 

A mother understands what a child does not say.

 

Did you hear about the homeless man who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “ I haven’t eaten for three days”.  “Force yourself”, she replied.

 

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It’s alright....I’ll sit in the dark.

 

Q: What is a Jewish sweater?

A: It is a woolen garment worn by a child when his mother is cold.

 

Success has made failures of many men.  – Cindy Adams

 

I’ve got all the money that I will ever need if I die by four o’clock today. – Henny Youngman

 

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

– Dorothy Parker

 

Charge nothing, and you will get a lot of customers.

 

A carpenter without tools is not a carpenter. – Midrash

 

There’s nothing so useless as doing something efficiently that which should not be done at all. – Peter Drucker

 

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you fake that, you’ve got it made.

– Daniel Schorr

 

The most important thing in communication is to hear what is not being said.

– Peter Drucker

 

Whatever you want to do, do it now. There are only so many tomorrows.

– Michael Landon

 

The middle of a rainstorm is not the time to start fixing the hole in the roof.

 

The great question which I have never been able to answer, despite my thirty years in research into feminine souls, is “What does a women want?”. – Sigmund Freud

 

Women need a reason to have sex. Men, they just need a place. – Bill Crystal

 

A man dies and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.

She called the obituary department. and said, “ This is what to print. Bernie is dead”.

The man at the newspaper said, ”But for $25 you are allowed to print six words”.

The woman answered, “Ok. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale”.

 

There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it. – Elaine Boozler

 

If you ever forget you are a Jew, a Gentile will remind you. – Bernard Malamud

 

During WWII, a southern woman calls an army base close by to invite five solders over for Thanksgiving dinner.

“Just make sure there are no Jews”, she tells the Sargent.

On Thanksgiving five black soldiers show up for dinner.

“Your Sargent has made a terrible mistake” the woman says.

“Oh no mama” one solder says, “ Sargent Goldberg never makes mistakes”.

 

If one man calls you a donkey, ignore him.

If two men call you a donkey, think about it.

If three men call you a donkey, but a saddle.

 

If you want to make peace, you don’t talk to friends. You talk to your enemies.

– Moshe Dyan

 

No matter what side of the argument you’re on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other side. – Jascha Heifetz

 

A Rabbi is listening to two opposing sides of a Talmudic argument.

After hearing the first one, he says “you are right”.

The, after hearing the second one, he says “You’re right”.

Immediately, the Rebbetzin butts in, “But Rabbi, they can’t both be right”.

To which the Rabbi replies, ”And you’re right too”.

 

Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving – Anonymous

 

An old Jew was refused service in a restaurant. “ We don’t serve Jews here” the waiter said. “Don’t let that bother you”, replied the old man. “I don’t eat Jews”.

 

Vote for the man who promises the least. He’ll be the least disappointing.

– Bernard Baruch

 

Humor is just another defense against the universe. – Mel Brooks

 

One of the greatest mysteries is how the boy wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world?

 

A Jewish man is having dinner is a restaurant calls to the waiter.

“Waiter is this what you call soup?”

“What are you talking about,” says the waiter, There’s nothing wrong with this soup.”

“Just taste it”, the man says.

The waiter goes to taste the soup.

“How can I taste it? There’s no spoon”, says the waiter.

“A-Ha!” says the man.

 

A sinner is one who deprives himself of wine. – The Talmud

 

If we did not have to eat, we would be rich.

 

Q: What did the blind man say after being give a piece of  Matzoh?

A: Who wrote the crap!

 

Two Jews, Cohen and Bernstein, sit down in a restaurant and the waiter comes over to take their order.

“Sirs, what can I get you”, ask the waiter.

“A glass of orange juice” says Cohen.

:A glass of orange juice for me too, says Bernstein, “and make sure the glass is clean”.

The waiter returns with two glasses of orange juice.

”So”, he says, “which one of you wanted the clean glass?”

 

Sam is on his death bed with his family gathered round saying their farewells.

He smells something wonderful.

“Sadie”, he says to his wife, “What is that delicious aroma?”.

“It’s my apple strudel”, she replies with tears in her eyes.

“Oh, my dear wife, I just have to have a piece of your strudel one last time”.

“You can’t. It’s for later”.

 

If you are going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it.

 

Without law, civilization perishes. – The Talmud

 

The most violent element in society is ignorance. – Emma Goodman

 

Wherever they burn book, they will also, in the end, burn humans beings.

– Heinrich Heine

 

These are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others. – Groucho Marx

 

A half truth is a whole lie.

 

If you’re not prepared to defend it in public, don’t’ do it. – Alan Dershowitz

 

May you celebrate your birthday in old age.

 

May you lose all your teeth but one, and may that one have a cavity.

 

May you put your shoes on backwards, and get a bloody nose when you walk into yourself.

 

Some people are electrifying . They light up a room when they leave.

 

Two thing are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I am not so sure about the universe. – Albert t Einstein

 

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. – Ann Landers.

 

Only a Jew can ask a question and answer it in the same sentence.

 

Where two Jews, three opinions.

 

A Jew and a hunchback are walking past a synagogue.

The Jew says, “I use to be a Jew”.

The hunchback then says, “ I used to be a hunchback”.

 

Sure, Jews were chosen, but for what? On balance, it’s been an honor we could have lived without. – Michael Feldman

 

The sun will set without your help.

 

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect. – Benny Hill

 

Schizophrenia is better than eating alone. – Oscar Levant

 

The meaning of life is that it stops. – Franz Kafka

 

Don’t send a cat to deliver cream.

 

If a person feels that he can not communicate, the least he can do is to keep his mouth shut. – Tom Lehrer

 

When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.

– Abraham Maslow